Just a Thought…Shame
I was told recently, by my therapist (he makes occasional cameos in these blogs and origin stories) that I look for meaning a lot. How dare you, sir? That is what I DO, it’s my jam. Is that wrong? (and I was starting to feel a little ashamed…) Dammit, this guy has always been right about these things…remember when he “invited” me to stop calling my business a “side hustle?” Yeah, that guy. He was right.
Here’s what happened recently…Mindful Matters made a profit this spring for the first time. Don’t get too excited, we’re not talking “beach house money” but for a Solopreneur it’s a big moment and according to all of the small business experts, year two is when that happens. Side note, when I typed Solopreneur, I imagined a Star Wars small business owner, named Han Solopreneur… Admit it, you laughed. So then I googled Han Solo Entrepreneur.
Ok, back to the story. Mindful Matters made a profit!! Whooooooo! Celebrate good times, c’mon! Of course, I shared with people and we high five’d (literally and metaphorically). And then…(ominous music inserted here)…a big program I had lined up was canceled due to their budget changes. My schedule was not booked solid, my email was quiet.
Dammit. I jinxed it. I was bragging and remember, pride is one of the 7 deadly sins. Nice girls don’t brag. Keep your successes to yourself, girl. This is what you get: Instant Karma. Sin = Shame & Punishment. Intellectually, I know that it just doesn’t work like that…but in my mind, I’m ready to do the walk of shame like Cersei did in Game of Thrones.And also the Pink song, Walk of Shame which is a great jam. We’re walking…we’re walking…
All of these stories, beliefs, rules about being good, nice and people pleasing, are stored somewhere in my core and subconscious. And they arrived on FIRE to chastise, shame and put me in my place. I bragged, therefore it will now fail. Utterly and completely fail. Shame.
So my therapist says, “What are your feelings right now? Is this guilt or shame? Where are you feeling it in your body?” It’s like he’s Brene Brown forcing me to think about the very real difference in our feelings. How dare, you sir? But as always, he nailed it. Read more here about Brene Brown’s take on Guilt and Shame. She nails it too. Guilt and Shame are often mixed up together in our minds and bodies but they’re different, very different. And the cause/effect phenomenon is ingrained in us from generational stories, religion, culture, etc.
When things got quiet with Mindful Matters and the well paying program was cancelled, I immediately went to cause and effect. Bragged? Lightning bolt! Shame. In that order. Because I habitually try to find meaning, connections and lessons all of the time…
It’s not a bad thing to find meaning, but when we do it so much that it impedes mood, productivity, motivation…it creates anxiety. For no reason and it’s exhausting. Mindfulness does help…I really try to notice with curiosity, pause to respond (or not) rather than react in an anxiety driven way.
My therapist reminded me, in the best therapist’y way: Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.We don’t always need to make the effort of reading deeper meanings into things that can be explained more simply. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Perhaps it’s just a cigar…
Just a thought…
P.S. Remind me to send my therapist an Edible Arrangement, he loves ‘em!
